I was nineteen. It was late October. I had been sleeping in my car for five days because myMom said I couldn't come back until I "figured out what was wrong with me." There was nothing wrong with me. I just didn't fit anywhere she wanted me to fit.
The church parking lot had a payphone. I remember because I used it every morning to call the crisis line, and every morning they'd tell me to go to the ER. I'd hang up and sit in the car and watch people go to work like it was the most foreign thing I'd ever seen.
On the sixth morning I called my girlfriend and asked if I could sleep on her floor. She said no. She said her roommate said no. I hung up and sat there and understood for the first time that there was no plan, no safety net, no adult who was going to fix this. Just me and a car and October.
Left You Knew is the feeling of calling for help and finding out you are the help. Write it down or let it go. That's what the pages are for.